list 47

decent mood all day–though one lady at work has been repeatedly obnoxious and i don’t know why i felt so compelled to be antagonistic rather than just ignore her or let it go–it felt like i couldn’t really control it, despite my awareness and desire to stop

insanely increased appetite–i guess it’s good to be eating, but i am worried about eating so much

heartburn–maybe related to eating significantly more than i typically would

considering altering my diet to constant snacking rather than meal times

i really…really don’t want to gain weight

bloodwork check on thursday

blue blood moon eclipse wednesday evening

uh–i’m not sure

i’m so spacey and exhausted–energy beverage earlier helped sustain some energy, but i don’t want to depend on them

i don’t know how i feel about depakote–i guess i should see what the bloodwork says and continue it for the month since things can shift

list 39

–continued depression–feeling trapped beneath it–i know it’s not for forever, but it feels like it could be–i am so sad–it’s difficult to interact or focus or really want to do anything

–this weed makes me feel tired and relaxed, but doesn’t otherwise alter my mental state–i feel present and worthless–i have eaten too much–i keep overeating–and i still want chocolate

–i guess it’s good this weed doesn’t give me cravings

–no twitching today–emailed the doctor last night to let them know that the ticks have significantly diminished–decreased lamictal to 150 mg today

–some persistent when i type/write/knit/text–the right ankle bend is ongoing–it is beginning to sting–sometimes i think it could snap my ankle–especially when i’m wearing my heavy-toed doc martens maryjanes

–i don’t want to work tomorrow

–i’m stressed about finding someone to check in on my creatures while my partner is gone for the month–i keep slacking–i can’t have any days where the one misses his midday rx

–feeling undeserving

–my stomach is so heavy

–i don’t know why i am so distracted by weight lately

–i hope i sleep tonight

list 28

–holidays are weird and uncomfortable–the pressure makes me feel lacking and guilty when i treat it like any other day

–happy to see a&e–sorry i wasn’t too social–that social anxiety made me uncomfortable, shy, and unintentionally rude –i can’t shake the guilt

–i am exhausted–i don’t want to return to work tomorrow

–the long weekend –my first weekend in awhile–seems so far off…too far off

–i am trying to track my mood–anywhere from mute and numb to heavily and uncontrollably sad–i don’t think i even knew what i was sad about

–the twitching is slightly less severe than it has been, but not much better

–i am keeping my eyes wide for any changes since the decrease in my lamictal dose–i can’t tell if it is the cause of my increased or at least changed sadness–less fire and more giving up

–i hope the marijuana stimulates my appetite

–i did eat too many fritos and drink a lot of dr. pepper–maybe the most calories i have had in a day in awhile

–i am afraid i am overweight now–i feel so heavy and uncomfortable in my skin