dream

i realised i was late to taking my dog to his doctor’s appointment–i had forgotten that it was on that day and had overslept–i couldn’t seem to get ready, i was so panicked–i couldn’t figure out what to wear–then i realised that the time i had thought it was at was even later than the time the appointment was actually scheduled–i was so embarrassed–especially since it was somewhere i had worked previously–that i hadn’t given notice–that mm would be upset with me–that lm would be upset with me–i wasn’t sure what ak would think–i started to cry and moan like i do when i’m panicked

i woke up crying and moaning

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dream

i was in a really tall chair on wheels rolling quickly down a road that looked like a moab canyon–a woman and her daughter ? were somehow next to me, not on the chair–the woman was explaining why she and her daughter legitimately had something to fear/reason to be nervous about the situation, whereas i did not–i told her that following an accident i had had canyons could be triggering–the chair continued down the road–i think i was only held in place by its velocity–the chair was unstable–suddenly we were more in the suburbs–there was a school bus driving next to me, starting to turn into me–i thought that it had seen me and begun to stop it’s turn–it began angling towards me again–i realised that my fear was not the canyon or boating accident, it was heights and other drivers/car accidents–the daughter was yelling–there was nothing i could do–the bus began to collide with the chair–i could feel the window on my shoulder, but it didn’t hurt–it vibrated–almost like two holograms colliding

i was in a parking lot with my mom? we were waiting for my sister?–it was late at night–there was a tiny room at this collective that i loved just because it was tiny–i packed up my backpack and was waiting outside with my dog–i left a note in the space stating that i had liked the space, but not finishing my thought–somehow i received a reply saying that they were looking for someone to occupy the space, but not as a resident–the space was a bit small for that, though i was kind of small, too–they appreciated the interest–i was a bit embarrassed/flustered–i wanted to respond that i just liked the room and had wanted to say so, not because i had hoped to move in–besides, i had my dog and felt it would be too much for him to adjust to living with such a large group of people and their dog–there was a lot of milling around–i can’t remember if there was snow–the lights were golden

list 52

concerned about eating too much–my stomach is uncomfortable

sleepy sleepy

nervous and edgy

today i made vegan cheese, golden milk, and monkey bread

i tried to relax in a bath

i did some knitting

i feel like i should have done a lot more–maybe i’d feel a little more content then

i don’t understand why i don’t feel the mellow that i did last week or so

i think my blood work was normal–but i never heard anything back

i think the doctor said they’d contact me if anything looked off–so i think it was normal?

i did some cleaning

i don’t really want to go to work tomorrow–but luckily it’s a very very short day

why am i so sad?

dream

something about traveling through space with two siblings? there were moments of it being me and moments of it being as though i were watching a television show–the accent was inconsistent–on my way to alaska–something foreign and removed about it–it was an extremely small town, isolated–people were uncertain about the new family–water from my sink wouldn’t flow–i was afraid i had broken it–i had a big bag of belongings–i think i was at a post office? i was with my siblings–or whoever was our guardian–i can’t remember if i was the guardian–we were waiting our turn–i started to feel a bit impatient, but okay–there was a bearded man with his friends, about my age, observing us–i wanted his attention–we get to the bar and he and his friends go into another room, but return and take up spaces at the bar–i’m in a library in space–i see someone i work with at the shelter and they wave me over to their table–they are sitting with friends–they are talking about the person traveling to alaska who lives in a shack with their siblings and water that doesn’t flow from the sink–it sounds like a show–they are not certain if it is believable because the actress’ accent is inconsistent–i can’t remember if she’s supposed to be american or new zealander–there is a moment where her location in space is triangulated and she loses one accent at that moment and maintains the other through the rest–the person from the shelter says it makes sense if you think of science/location/space–i really have to go to the bathroom and excuse myself to find it–it’s got two circle magnets on the door that indicate in tiny font the names of the people cleaning them today–i open the door hesitantly–the names are different than the last time i went to the bathroom–many parts of the dream repeated themselves

i’m in kuwait with my family and suddenly remember that my passport is expired–i wonder how i got there in the first place and am worried about being able to get back

dream

i had posted something on facebook about an acquaintance of mine and someone had responded, so i made another post in response–i panicked that either the acquaintance of their wife would see the posts and fumbled to hide them from them–the internet wasn’t being cooperative–i couldn’t quite get the right setting–none of what i had said was mean, but it was honest and i was afraid it would hurt feelings

my co-worker was dating another co-worker–i had mixed feelings on it, but was ultimately happy for them

i don’t remember the rest of my dreams–they’ve all been bathed in bright white lately as opposed to the grey cloud they had been behind previously

woke up depressed and without motivation–i miss the few days of waking up alert and ready

i’d like some grape juice