list 46

not a thing

 

eight pm: sudden sadness and hopelessness–knitting and eating chinese take out–watching that sherlock show that people seem to like–something about watching television–even though i don’t really watch television–is depressing–i don’t feel i did enough–i am so tired

the depakote has me feeling so…tired. my legs go weak and my lids get so heavy that it’s draining just trying to keep my eyes open–mostly i feel emotions with a degree of separation–emotions in my body in another body–there’s a foam buffer

i think i like it–or at least it’s nice to not feel so volatile–it’s nice to feel like i can approach things calmly…sometimes

i feel so badly about myself–remember to not compare me to others…it’s tough

encouraged to try roller derby–i could use the exercise

i feel bloated and heavy

depakote

curious to know about anyones thoughts on/experiences with depakote/valproic acid

the psychiatrist recommended starting there due to the fact that my moods change so rapidly and erratically that i have moments of feeling two conflicting emotions very strongly

they said that the main side effect initially would be feeling tired and upset stomach

wondering how others have felt on it/about it

list 38

difficult day–mood map was all over the place–mostly vacant, but also crushing sadness and hopelessness, irritability, and bubbly-ness

i have eaten too much cupcake

list 37

tired tired tired

cranky and sad and sometimes just mellow

volatile

being at work is difficult

lithium vs. aripiprazole

i was curious to know if anyone had experience(s)) with one and/or both of these medications that they would be willing to share?

i’m being weaned off of lamictal–50 mg every 5 days and am now at half of the dose i had been on. the twitching is dramatically reduced, but my mood is back to being entirely unpredictable–at the last visit the doctor had indicated that the next step would likely involve introducing either lithium or aripiprazole. i’ve done some reading, but would be interested to know any personal experiences. i’m reticent to introduce something new, but i also don’t want to stay where i’m at now and i feel like a new tool couldn’t hurt…or couldn’t hurt much more.

list 25

–was intensely nervous about meeting the new/relief psychiatrist today

–twitching and tremors connected to lamotrigine–shoulder and neck muscles are beginning to ache from tension and repetitive motion

–reducing my dose by 50 mg every five days until there is a noticeable decrease in twitching–i am worried that it will take me to 0 mg which is just putting me back where i started–though i suppose where i am at now is not much better than i was before the rx

–psychiatrist is considering adding either lithium or aripiprazole–trying to research them, but potential side effects are always broad and terrifying

–i had only heard much about lithium–mostly negative

–i recall television advertisements for abilify–i thought it was a hoax–who advertises rx?

–i am afraid and uncertain–i don’t know how i am going to react to all these changes

–i know it’s all a guessing game

–it just…doesn’t help

–my friend gave me a glow in the dark elephant that is supposed to bring comfort and good luck–i love it–i love elephants

–my coworker hugged me–lots of leaning on me–i am so happy when we work together

list 15

–relatively uneventful day at work

–exhausted

–the drawer was off and i recounted and recounted and recounted–i think the boss was irritated it took me so long

–forgot that counseling was scheduled for tomorrow–had thought it wasn’t until wednesday

–actually, when i received the reminder i had thought it was reminding me that the appointment was for tuesday–it wasn’t until the counselor needed to cancel that i realised it was for tomorrow

–i hope everything is okay

–tired just thinking about two more ten to eleven hour days of work

–my hair is cerulean

–my partner was kind and bathed my dog

–my partner read my mind and made pizza for dinner

–i am eating poorly–i recalled my block of dark chocolate with pistachios in the cupboard

–i love chocolate

–mixed feelings about my co-worker again

–i wonder if it is something convenient to spark some excitement in my life again–to give me something to look forward to, i guess

–though i do like them

–reminder that i should revisit the goth club

–reminder to get a white elephant gift for the staff get together next weekend–i had planned to have more done

–i need to make some food–i will probably be the only one who brings something vegan?

–my fingers smell like pesticide again

–my throat is scratchy like impending cold

–i need to complain less

–what do i look forward to?

–why do i feel so smothered by sadness? i felt so prickly and anxious and irritable a week or two ago

–i feel that the doctor’s diagnosis (i struggled to recall that word)) that i am bipolar is an egregious exaggeration–i am also told i like to downplay–i really have no idea what is going on–i guess the label isn’t important–but i feel like it is enough if it will point me in the right direction